Writing songs & gender issues (21/12/2025)

Recently I've decided I wanted to produce at least ONE ong in my life, and I got myself writing. What do I want to write about? While I do not plan on making all my songs like that, I've settled on writing a love song for probably every girl I've ever had a crush on, because they were cool enough for me to get a crush on them.

I still have yet to finish that song, decide what chords I want to use and then the dreadful act of recording it. The thing is, I'm trans. And I quite hate my 'girl' voice, so the recording part of the song has to wait until I can get on HRT and my voice drops (ETA a year and a half from now, if not more) and I STILL have to come out and transition socially. Which still, quite impossible in my current status as I have a (maybe) transphobic mother and a highly judgemental family in general.

I wish I was just born a boy, at times. Like, this would've been all so easy if i was a cis man or at least androgynous enough to pass as the opposite gender. But I guess life has to be unfair, right? Hell, there's this girl I might have a crush on that is straight as a pole, and I have no clue if she sees me as an actual man and not as just some weird autistic butch (?) lesbian (There is NO WAY I'm telling her how I feel. All of the romantic relationships I experienced were no more than to make up for not talking to that person as often as I used to). I want to be just a boring white guy at times, that sounds better to me than being read as a girl by other people, but until that, I guess I'm stuck to fail to play chords on that cranky ass guitar I have since I was 12 or something. Maybe one day I'll share the chords and lyrics to the song I was writing for someone else to sing.

I hate how I look, I'm overweight, my hair is good only for a few hours after washing it, I was gifted a D cup when I am the least person to need it, I got no good wardrobe or sense of style, I don't know how to do makeup and most times I end up wasting my day by being on my computer for countless hours and I get nothing done.

Fuck, I wanted to write something nice.